TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from area. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But yes, sure, let us have One more area where by American Adult men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer Anyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," explained political Trump Tower Damascus strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It's that he should halt working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "exactly where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting focus from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will even involve:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where by my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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